ON LOVE

If you have ever inflated someone into perfection, or watched hope and doubt feed each other, this book names your experience two centuries early. It is for anyone who prefers psychology to romance novels: lovers, the lovelorn, and readers curious how a 19th-century Frenchman anticipated modern attachment thinking. Sharon Brehm, a president of the American Psychological Association, called him a first-rate psychologist before the term existed.

1. 1Chapter 1

   Four loves, only one worth having

   Stendhal sorts every love affair into four kinds. There is passionate love, the kind that brings true happiness. There is love of propriety or gallant love, the love of Parisian society in the 18th century. There is physical love. And there is love of vanity, where a woman is possessed as a luxury item.

   The idea

   The sorting matters because passionate love is the only kind that brings true happiness — and it is also the one Stendhal calls madness.

   Try this: This week, honestly label your current or last attachment: passion, taste, appetite, or vanity. The label changes what you should do next.

2. 2Chapter 2

   The branch in the salt mine

   At the salt mines of Salzburg, a bough stripped of its leaves by winter is thrown into the depths of the abandoned workings. Taken out two or three months later and dried, it is found covered with brilliant crystals. The tiniest twigs, no bigger than a tomtit's claw, are studded with an infinity of diamonds, shifting and glittering; the original branch is no longer recognizable. He compares this to the lover's imagination, which draws from everything presented to it fresh proofs of the loved one's perfection.

   The idea

   Crystallization is the mental operation which draws from everything that happens fresh proofs of the loved one's perfection. The lover endows the beloved with a thousand perfections that were not there before.

   Try this: List three 'perfections' you have attributed to someone you love. Mark which ones you actually observed versus which you decorated yourself.

3. 3Chapter 3

   A little hope, but not too much

   A woman's resistance is not always a matter of reason; it may be due to awkwardness or fear. A single glance or a moment of silence can destroy months of effort. A small dose of hope is enough to start crystallization — 'A little hope is necessary for love to be born; too much hope kills it.'

   The idea

   A little hope is necessary for love to be born; too much hope kills it.

   Try this: If you are pursuing someone, calibrate your signals: give genuine encouragement, but do not remove all uncertainty at once.

4. 4Chapters 2, 6 and 11

   The seven stages of falling in love

   Stendhal lays out the sequence: it begins with admiration. Then comes the thought 'What a pleasure to kiss her, to be kissed by her'. Then hope. Then love is born. Then the first crystallization — 'the pleasure of forming for oneself an enchanting image of the beloved's perfections'. Then doubt. Then the second crystallization, in which the lover wanders ceaselessly between three ideas: she is perfect, she loves me, how can I win her love?

   The idea

   The stages run from admiration to the second crystallization.

   Try this: Identify which of the seven stages you are in right now with someone — naming the stage tells you what comes next.

5. 5Chapter 5

   The lover sees truly — and loves what he sees

   Stendhal writes: a man in love sees the woman he loves as she is, not as he would like her to be, but as she is, and he loves her for what she is.

   The idea

   Passion is not delusion; the lover sees the beloved as she truly is and loves her for what she is.

   Try this: Ask yourself whether you love the person in front of you or the person you are editing them into. Then look again, deliberately, at what is actually there.

6. 6Chapter 7

   Why women crystallize more

   Women are more susceptible to crystallization because they are more often in a state of enforced idleness, and their imagination is freer to work, whereas men are distracted by action and ambition. Women are also more susceptible to love born of pity and tenderness, often sparked by a man's misfortune or shyness.

   The idea

   Crystallization is fed by idle hours and by pity, which gives the imagination its first proofs.

   Try this: Notice how your feelings intensify in idle hours — and protect busy periods if you are trying to fall out of love.

7. 7Chapter 9

   Beauty is only a promise of happiness

   Stendhal writes: 'Beauty is only a promise of happiness.' This is a quote he attributes to the Greek poet Simonides, though the attribution is uncertain.

   The idea

   Beauty is a promise of happiness, not happiness itself.

   Try this: When you feel dazzled by someone's looks, ask what specific happiness you are imagining — the promise only works if you can name it.

8. 8Chapter 14

   Music puts the soul where the beloved does

   Music, when it is perfect, puts the soul in the same state as when it enjoys the presence of the beloved; that is, it gives apparently the most intense happiness that is possible on this earth.

   The idea

   Music can produce the same intense happiness as the presence of the beloved.

   Try this: Notice which songs put you in the presence of someone absent — and choose deliberately whether to play them.

9. 9Chapter 17

   The scar that makes her more beautiful

   A man passionately in love may find a woman with a scar or a slight deformity more attractive than a flawless beauty. The flaw becomes a proof of her uniqueness and a trigger for crystallization.

   The idea

   Uniqueness, not flawlessness, is what the imagination can amplify.

   Try this: Stop hiding what you consider your flaw from someone you want to know you — uniqueness beats polish.

10. 10Chapter 23

    The first half-hour decides everything

    In Chapter 23: Concerning the First Glance, Stendhal claims that a woman of real sensibility will decide a man's fate in the first half-hour of conversation. If a man fails to interest her in that time, he will never succeed.

    The idea

    Interest has a startup window: the first half-hour decides everything.

    Try this: In your next first conversation with someone intriguing, put your best self forward immediately — there is no warm-up period.

11. 11Chapter 26

    Modesty is the mother of love

    Modesty is the mother of love. Without it, love would be a mere physical appetite. A woman who is too easily won inspires only a fleeting desire, not passion. Modesty creates the obstacles necessary for crystallization.

    The idea

    Modesty creates the obstacles that let desire become passion.

    Try this: Do not make yourself instantly and completely available; some reserve is what lets desire become passion.

12. 12Chapter 32

    The woman who hid her lover for three months

    In Bologna, a woman's lover is about to be arrested. She hid him in her bedroom for three months while her husband was in the house. She brought him food and never betrayed a sign of anxiety. Stendhal recounts this story in Chapter 32: Concerning the Courage of Women.

    The idea

    Passionate love produces a quiet, sustained courage.

    Try this: When judging courage, count duration and composure, not noise — quiet endurance is the rarest kind.

13. 13Chapter 33

    The Arab's oath

    An Arab woman named Ghenima, in love with a man of a hostile tribe, swore an oath on the Koran to betray him. She kept the letter of the oath by leading her tribe to his hiding place. But she had warned him beforehand, so he escaped. She then killed herself.

    The idea

    Passion can collide with sacred duty, and the contradiction can be fatal.

    Try this: When two commitments collide, look for the third path that honors both — and recognize when none exists.

14. 14Chapter 35

    Three jealousies, only one belongs to love

    Jealousy of the heart is born of love and fear of losing the beloved. Jealousy of vanity is wounded pride. Jealousy of the senses is physical possessiveness. Only the first is compatible with true passion; jealous love can intensify passion while jealous vanity kills it.

    The idea

    Only jealousy of the heart belongs to true passion.

    Try this: Next time jealousy hits, name which of the three it is before you act on it.

15. 15Chapter 39

    The fiasco: passion's own sabotage

    Stendhal describes the phenomenon of 'the fiasco' — a man so overwhelmed by passion and the fear of not pleasing his beloved that he becomes temporarily impotent. It is a terrible danger for passionate lovers and can destroy a relationship in a single night. He cites the case of a young French officer, a hero in battle, who suffered this on his wedding night with a woman he adored.

    The idea

    Desire can be crushed by its own intensity.

    Try this: Lower the stakes of a high-pressure intimate moment by treating it as one evening, not a verdict on your worth.

16. 16Chapter 43

    Italy: love that risks everything

    Love is a serious and often tragic passion, not a social game as in France. An Italian woman will risk everything for love, including her life and her children's future. Stendhal finds love in Italy the most passionate and tragic, more gallant and vain in France.

    The idea

    Passion is cultivated or starved by society.

    Try this: Ask how much risk your culture permits in love — and whether you have outsourced your passion to politeness.

17. 17Chapter 45

    England: one indiscretion, one death

    In England, a young woman who elopes is socially ruined forever. Stendhal tells of a young Englishwoman who, after a single indiscretion, was cut off by her entire family and died of consumption at twenty-two.

    The idea

    When society's punishment for passion is absolute, love becomes lethal.

    Try this: Notice which of your communities punish error permanently, and be careful about trusting your whole life to them.

18. 18Chapter 48

    Germany: love as duty

    In Germany, love is a matter of duty and sentimentality, not passion. A German woman will love her husband out of a sense of obligation, and infidelity is rare but passion is rarer still.

    The idea

    Duty produces fidelity without fire.

    Try this: Check whether any of your commitments run on obligation alone — duty keeps promises, but it does not make crystals.

19. 19Chapter 50

    The Courts of Love

    Stendhal cites the 12th-century Courts of Love in Provence, where noblewomen presided over debates on love. One ruling stated: 'Marriage is no excuse against love.' Another: 'No one can be bound by two loves.'

    The idea

    Passion once had its own jurisprudence.

    Try this: When love and obligation conflict, write down both codes explicitly before deciding — most people never state their rules.

20. 20Chapter 55

    Education against passion

    Stendhal argues that the French education of girls, which teaches them to hide their feelings and to be artificial, is the greatest enemy of passion. A natural woman, like those in Italy or Spain, is capable of a love a Frenchwoman can never know. He criticizes the education given to women of his time, which he says makes them incapable of true passion and condemns them to 'love of vanity'.

    The idea

    Passion is destroyed at the source, in the schoolroom.

    Try this: Teach children that feelings can be spoken plainly — artifice learned early becomes a lifetime of vanity love.

21. 21Chapter 59

    The remedy: absolute absence

    The only true remedy for love is absence, but it must be absolute. A single letter or a glimpse of the beloved can undo months of healing. Time cures everything, even love, provided one does not see the beloved.

    The idea

    Love decays only when starved of input.

    Try this: If you are healing from love, cut contact completely — no checking, no letters, no 'accidental' routes past their street.

22. 22Preface

    Written for the happy few

    Stendhal states he wrote the book for a small number of friends who have experienced 'mad love' (la folie amoureuse), not for the general public. About two or three hundred readers in Paris, whom he addresses as 'the happy few'. The book was mostly ignored after publishing, but has been lauded posthumously as one of the first 'modern' attempts at understanding love.

    The idea

    The book was written for a small audience of kindred spirits.

    Try this: Write your hardest personal insight for the two or three hundred people who would actually understand it — precision beats popularity.

Anyone who has ever inflated a person into perfection and wants to understand the machinery behind it. Also for readers of psychology and romance alike: it is the first modern attempt to map passionate love, written by a man the American Psychological Association's Sharon Brehm called a first-rate psychologist before the term was coined.

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